I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
