hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
