$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
