He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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