she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
