Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
