my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
