Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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