I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
