Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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