Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
