why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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