Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
