First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
