Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
