If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
