my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
