I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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