I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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