I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
