The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
