I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
