I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
