You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
