My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
