Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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