Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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