i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
