YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
