She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
