Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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