Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
