Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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