Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
