last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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