Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
