I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
