I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
