At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
