What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
