The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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