R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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