we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
