A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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