the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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