I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
