Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
