im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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