im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
