that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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