my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
