Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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