i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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