evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
