Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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