Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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