Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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