we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
