Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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